Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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