So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
