he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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