I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
