Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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