we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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