I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
