Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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