Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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