she was so not down for the gang bang
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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