I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
