I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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