i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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