Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
