When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
