I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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