I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
