U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
