you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
