she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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