Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize