Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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