I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
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Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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