I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
