last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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