Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
