I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
