omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
