Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
