I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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