This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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