I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
