Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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