So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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