You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
