i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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