I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
