Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
