So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
