I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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