i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
