Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
