Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
