I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
