shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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