Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
