This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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