I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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