I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
