He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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