I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
