I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
