fuck your aforementioned shoe
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
