She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Damn victory sex feels great
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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