you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
