if i can run in heels then i can drive
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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