Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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