Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
